A Boy’s Way Of Thinking

The fate of the two painted pumpkin heads had finally been determined in the 5th grade classroom.  “Should I haul them to the dumpster?” I asked the teacher.  She replied, “Well, it is nearly Christmas and fall  is over, so I guess.  Will they eventually rot if I don’t toss them?”  I told her yes.  It was nearly dismissal time and the students were bustling about getting their coats and hats on.  “Does anybody want these before you go home?” she called out.  Most of the students didn’t reply but carried on with their own business.  One of the boys standing next to her said, “No, we don’t want them,” but his classmate jumped in and said, “No…Tyler wait!  We can use them for target practice!”  And each one of the two boys tucked a pumpkin head under his arm before heading to the bus.  Ahh yes…what better way for a pumpkin to spend the holidays than to be perched on a fencepost getting a BB between the eyes!  Seasons Greetings From Montana Everyone!

Ode To The Boobs Of A Younger Girl

I think we can all agree that there comes a time when women like me don’t need to be shopping at Victoria’s Secret anymore.  When I was in college a trip to Victoria’s Secret in the mall was fun.  As I had babies and moved away from any mall within a 250 mile radius, ordering clothes from their catalog took it’s place.  If Victoria’s Secret would have decided to make a ‘ sexy little thing’ bra for mommies with breastfeeding monster boobs then maybe I would’ve ordered more.  But not once did I ever see any push-up bra with a sexy little secret compartment to insert a nursing pad.  And I think that all men in this world would agree with me that women’s breasts are the most alluring when they can let out a spray that would put Old Faithful to shame. So move over beer on tap…you’ve got competition!!  Why not make a bra for that!  But now that my daughters, Lisa and Keely are well into adulthood and I don’t really order for them like I did in their teenage years, I feel that Victoria’s Secret can safely take me off their mailing list.  So here’s a shout out to any higher ups in the VS world: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE GRANDMA’S CLEAVAGE!  NOR DOES SHE WANT TO SHOW IT!  There comes a time when a girls gotta put those boobs away and crack down on tasks that are a bit more substantial.  And even though I was once one of those girls that would’ve loved to push my boobs up so high I could hypnotize men, I no longer have that need.  So to whoever it is who’s in charge of marketing at Victoria’s Secret, why not ask yourself as you look over your statistics, “I can’t help but notice that we’ve been sending this college girl our catalog since 1980.  Maybe we could stop now?”  But I’ve received 3 catalogs in the mail this week (because apparently I’m still an angel at 56) so unless Victoria’s Secret wants to make a PINK collection for grandmas I will be bidding a fond farewell to the products I love so much.  Thank-you Victoria’s Secret for the joy you brought to me in my younger years.  I will miss you and think of you often. 

The Bead vs. The Turd

I wish I could say that rolling paper beads for a Breakfast At Tiffany’s necklace is just as thrilling for me as a dung beetle rolling a turd, but it isn’t.  If it were just a simple bead that would be different, but in order to get the bead to be in a round shape I need to use 6 strands of paper for each bead and make sure they stay level with each other.  I also have to make sure that I don’t let the tips of the paper turn into a gnarly mess before I glue it down.  I’ve been working on them for 3 hours each morning before I go to work and so far I only have about 30 beads with about 200 more to go.  Ahhh!!!  However, I will keep rolling those beads anyway because the job needs to get done and I know there’s no dung beetle willing to do it for me.  I wish I were an expert (or reasonably mediocre) at making jewelry because I know that this necklace plays a vital role with the little, black dress.  The dress that was designed by Hubert de Givenchy…did he intentionally plan for the necklace to hang high centered front and back above the collar.  Do I need to get some tape that’s sticky on both sides to put on the models shoulders?  Just kidding.  That wouldn’t be too smooth.  The fade resistant black craft paper that I ordered arrived yesterday so I plan on working on the top half of the dress on my next day off.  I think Audrey Hepburn’s dress was also a 2-piece.  I plan on using fusable interfacing to stiffen up the paper also.  Is that cheating?  Who knows.  Who cares!  You know my motto:  It’s my art project.  I can do whatever I want. 

Who Cares If Your Dress Doesn’t Sway In The Breeze

Who cares if your dress doesn’t sway in the breeze as long as the shape of it shows movement.  It’s all about mastering the art of illusion anyway.  Making something appear to be something it isn’t.  It’s like a freeze frame split second of life coming to a grinding halt just to be eternally admired.  Dresses swaying in the breeze can be tricky, little maneuvers anyway.  Take it from Marilyn Monroe or my sister, Patty.  As young girls we decided one Sunday that we were not going to wear undies to church. No special reason.  It was just for fun. We needed a little secret to spice up a mundane weekly routine.  I was 8 and she was 6.  As soon as we stepped out of the car a gust of wind came up and blew our skirt high enough to give a sneak peek to the boys getting out of the car ahead of us.  They looked  in awe as we just daintily commented to them, “Oh my, it must be a little breezy today.”  No explanations.  We just sauntered off like a couple of royals. The paper mache kimono inspired dress I’m working on right now shows just the right amount of movement to make the viewer think the hemline is swaying in the breeze.  Really…it’s not going anywhere.  The opening certainly doesn’t show any pantiless models, only a black, lacy crinoline underneath.  And the chiyogami  paper that I ordered finally arrived yesterday (straight from Japan) and so I plan on making a Japanese style hairpiece to go with the dress.